I'll Go To You
by PaperCutVictim
Summary: Based on the scene at the end of episode 24 of the first season. "It was long. It was a goal I couldn't give up on. Now it's finally come true. But... I lost much for it. The months of time I would have been able to spend with the person I love."


DISCLAIMER: If I owned Clannad, you'd all be conscripted into Fuko's Starfish Alliance... And then I'd have the Fujibayashi twins meet the Hiiragi twins, but then I'd need to own Lucky Star too... Damn.

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I left Sunohara behind with a casual wave and saying that I would hang out with him at his dorm room later tonight. I wasn't sure if I would really do that, but most likely, I would. It's not like I had anything better to do with my time anyway.

I didn't really have any plans on what I was going to be doing until hanging out with Sunohara. I really wasn't thinking at all. I blame the cold; winter had hit our little city and snow was already falling. It was a pretty day, I suppose. Fresh snow crunched under my feet as I walked in sullen silence down the hill. I walked underneath the sakura trees, dead for the winter, and accepting the blanket of cold white that began to make itself comfortable on their silent branches.

My thoughts were blank. I'm not sure if I was doing that consciously or not. I suppose there were lots of things I didn't really want to think about. School. My life. My new job.

Tomoyo.

Somewhere during the trip down the hill, I realized that someone was watching me. Stopping, I took a disinterested look over to where I felt the eyes coming from.

Huh. Speak of the devil.

I didn't think she'd be out here. At least Tomoyo was bundled up so she'd be warm; God knows how long she's been waiting out here. The rosy hue to her cheeks gave me an idea on how long though. She had her hands in the pockets of her coat, standing in a neutral stance as she gazed at me, her breath emanating small curly clouds of white. I couldn't read the expression in her eyes, but I'm sure she couldn't read mine either.

We stood there for some time, just staring at each other. What exactly do you say to an ex-girlfriend whose heart you broke anyway? What was there to say? We'd broken up several months ago, and I'd been treating her coldly, even if I had been the one to initiate it.

Sometimes, I amaze myself, especially when I remember telling her that the emotion I felt for her wasn't love. Hah. Okazaki Tomoya, you are a wonderful man.

Maybe if I consider why I did that, I am. I sure don't feel like it though.

I suppose she sensed I wasn't going to say something first, so Tomoyo decided to take the initiative. Heh, she's always been that way, now that I think of it.

"Have you been well?"

"Yeah."

I felt something go through me at her tone. It reminded me of the day we broke up; same subdued, defeated tone of voice, a tone that shouldn't belong to Tomoyo. It didn't sound quite so crushed this time... I guess I felt good about that. No point denying it; it broke my heart to hear her sound like that.

Don't think anyone's ever told me that doing the right thing sometimes hurts like a bitch.

I looked over at her a little more fully. "What's up?"

She hesitated for only a brief moment before responding, "I was waiting for you. I wanted to let you know."

"Let me know what?"

My tone still sounded disinterested, but I silently let her know she had my attention. However awkward it may be conversing with her for the first time in nine months, there's no point in being rude. She doesn't deserve it anyway, especially from a delinquent punk like me.

Tomoyo turned her gaze to the snow-blanketed sakura trees around us, the fondness of good memories softening her eyes. "The sakura trees here won't be cut down. It's finally been decided."

A small smile wanted to make its way on my face, though I didn't let it. "I see."

"It was long," she continued softly, her words wistful, yet also with a touch of strength. "It was a goal I couldn't give up on. Now it's finally come true."

"So you made your dream come true."

Hah, I sounded bitter even to myself. I wasn't trying to; I was genuinely proud of her. I suppose I should feel a bit proud of myself for having dated her. She kept her promise alright. Tomoyo was always that kinda girl; when she says she'll do something, she'll do it, even if she stumbles a little on the way.

"Yeah..."

Her agreement was much weaker than I would have anticipated. I sensed there was more to this, and I doubted she would have waited here just to tell me some trees weren't going to be cut down. Well... maybe. Tomoyo could be a bit stubborn after all. Not like Kyou but... showing up at my house just to drag me out of bed on time day after day certainly comes to mind.

Heh. Good times.

I watched her lower her eyes, a pained expression flooding her crystal-blue orbs. I was considering stepping to her and patting her shoulder until I heard her begin to speak again.

"But... I lost much for it. The months of time that I would have been able to spend with the person I love."

Ah. I averted my eyes, dully gazing off to the side. This is not what we need right now.

This is not what she needs.

I almost want to tune out her next words, yet I can't deny that there's a part of me, a disgusting, selfish part of me that soars at hearing them.

"I... I love you. Even now. I've come to love you more than I ever did before."

She's so full of conviction. She always is. Wouldn't be Tomoyo without it. Nevertheless, a sardonic smile crosses my lips as I mirthlessly laugh, "We haven't talked all this time."

"That's true," she concedes. Her expression remains unreadable to me; have I really been away from her for so long? Or is it just that this is a new situation for me to see Tomoyo in? My thoughts are interrupted as she continued, "But... I've been watching you."

A gentle smile, tinged with sadness, but also with happiness, touches her lips. "I've always been watching you. Even without me, you were doing well. You went to classes without coming to school late. You were working hard, little by little, every day."

This time, my smile shows a little bit of humor. "Yeah..." Looking up at her a bit sheepishly, I added, "Although making my own lunch was beyond me."

I looked up idly at the branches of the sakura trees before going on. "I put a lotta effort into finding a job too. The recommendation from school was pretty bad, so I got rejected from a lotta places. But I found a place recently."

I turned a small smile toward her, one that was not the sardonic smile I had learned to grow used to over the past few months. "It's just a small agency; a recycling shop. The office is pretty close. It's within this city, so commuting will be easy."

She doesn't share my humor. As I look at her now, I realize why I've never seen this facet of her before. I caught only a glimpse of it the day we broke up, but now... Right now, she still has that expression that's just so _broken_ that it can't be Tomoyo. It hurts to think about; have I really done this to her? But I let her go because it was what was best for her, so that she could soar, so that she could be happy. Yet, she's not. Does she truly, honestly believe that I'm the one that can make her happy?

She's sorely mistaken.

But Tomoyo... _my_ Tomoyo... she's always been stubborn. I might as well get it across to her. I hate to think I can break her heart twice in the same year, but... My fragile smile falls as I look away again, steeling myself for my own heartbreak. She has to understand. This is for the both of us. This is what's best. This is me letting you go, once and for all, to soar unburdened like you were meant to.

This is for _you_, Tomoyo.

"Ne... What did I used to talk about with you? How did I talk to you, and how did I laugh?"

She stays silent, only watching me as I speak. I can feel her getting ready to be stubborn, but she waits for me to finish. I heave a heavy sigh, looking away from her, unable to look at those sad eyes that shouldn't be on her face.

"You and I can't walk the same path. You'll graduate next year too. I'm sure you'll leave this place and go far away. You can go much further than me."

My face contorts briefly with anger and self-hate, but I get it quickly back under control, choosing to lower my gaze to the snowy ground. "But I can't. I'm stuck here. I'll still be here, because that's just the kind of person that I am."

Does she understand now? Does she understand how I will only hold her back, that someone like me does not deserve someone like her? That I cannot possibly deserve her? I won't deny that it drives me mad just to even imagine another man touching her, clutching her in an intimate embrace, and that it breaks me to even think about her loving gaze at this unknown man. Loving gazes that I had once thought would be only for me; that I thought _should_ only belong to me.

But Tomoyo... deserves better. Better than just some delinquent with a messed up family. With issues and with no future, someone who would only hold her back.

Tomoyo... My Tomoyo deserves better.

"Then... I'll go to you."

I tense. She... did... Did she really just...?

I look up at her, her eyes having discarded their pained expression in favor of the determined fire that burned in its place. She was still going to be stubborn about this? Didn't she see? Didn't she _understand?_

"I'll go to you."

I stare. She… She just… My face contorts with a myriad of emotions, but above all… I'm confused. I don't understand…

Why would she still want some loser without any hope?

Why would she still want to be by my side, knowing all that she knows about me, and my family?

Why…?

"Why...? You can go to a better place, don't you see?"

My breathing started getting ragged as I began to lose control over my emotions.

"You... Don't you understand?! You can go to a good college, meet a lot of people, meet a lot of high expectations!"

I was losing my cool. I knew that. I didn't care.

"You've got higher places waiting for you!"

She won't back down… Why won't she back down…

"Somewhere higher than just next to me!"

Self-loathing raced through me as I shouted at her, but only for a short time. Her soft voice interrupted my tirade as she all but whispered, "Don't belittle yourself so much."

Tomoyo closed her eyes as she whispered it again, softer than before. "It's my choice. It's a place that's dearer to me... Dearer than any high place crafted by teacher recommendations or high test scores. I don't care about those. I only want you."

My heart thumped harder in my chest at these words, my throat ...

"So... I'll go to where you are."

Her eyes opened, her lovely eyes blazing with the intensity of her love, matching the determination in her voice.

"I'll go to you! I'll come at you with everything I've got!"

Like an idiot, I could only stand there. But... how could I do anything else? She... Tomoyo...

I knew then for a fact that there was no dissuading her. She had won this one, and I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't happy about it. I had always known that Tomoyo loved me, that her feelings were genuine, albeit misplaced, in my opinion. But I'd underestimated the intensity of her love.

There's no way I can ever make that same mistake again.

A weight seemed to vanish from my shoulders and my heart. I could feel my spirit soar, and I let it. It can't be helped, I guess. When you get to the bottom of it, I'm still a fool in love, and I am most certainly a fool for this girl in front of me.

A small laugh escaped me then, surprising Tomoyo. Smiling what was probably the first genuinely light-hearted smile I'd had in the nine months that we'd been apart, I looked at her, saying with quiet humor, "Can't tell who's the senpai here."

Tomoyo smiled back, and I saw this one reach her eyes. It's going to be okay. Everything's going to be okay.

And if isn't, I'll make damn sure it is.

"Let's go, Tomoyo."

She looks confused at my words, but waits for me to finish. "It's a little bit late, but..." I look at her, the smile still on my face, and tell her sincerely, "I'll go to where you are too."

Tomoyo looks stunned, and I make a mental note to tell her how cute she is when she's surprised sometime. I smile at her lovingly, but the smile vanishes as she reacts in a way I didn't expect. A hiccup wracks her body as she looks down. Another quickly follows. Then another. Another.

As I see the crystalline drops leaking around her closed eyes and spilling down her rose-tinged cheeks, I realize this is the first time I have ever seen Tomoyo cry.

She looks up at me, her eyes overflowing with tears fighting to break free as hard as she's fighting to hold them back, and I can only stare at her, stunned and breaking all over again, worse than before, even worse than the day I broke her heart and told her I don't love her (the biggest lie I have ever told anyone in my entire life).

She sniffles, still fighting bravely against her tears.

"Tomoya..."

Another sob wracks her shoulders, and with that, Tomoyo loses the fight. Burying her face into her small hands, she cries out in anguish.

"Tomoya!"

My vision's blurring, am I crying too? Why...? I... I don't understand... I...

"What is it...?"

My voice is cracking, and my heart breaks all over again at the sight of my Tomoyo, my strong, stubborn, beautiful Tomoyo, crying like a little child. I admit to myself that I'm crying too.

Why... Why are we crying?

"What is it now?!"

Without waiting for a reply, I run at Tomoyo and gather her into my arms. Tears flood my vision as I clutch her tightly in my embrace, feeling her breaking down and sobbing into my shoulder.

"What is it now...?"

She makes no response, only cries harder, her tiny hands gripping my coat as if I were a lifeline. As if I'll disappear if she doesn't hold onto me.

"Don't cry..."

We cling harder onto each other. I'm probably hurting her at this point, but I can't think of that right now. All I can think about is holding her, stopping her from crying.

Tomoyo...

Tomoyo...

"Don't cry....."

It's all I can manage before I break down too. Her sobs are muffled by my coat, but to me, they are the only sound in the world. Each sob breaks me just a little bit more, each tear is another cut to my heart.

But I realize that... we needed this. Nine months. It may be nothing to most, but for us, that was nine months of heartache. I had thought... I had hoped that at least Tomoyo would be spared this, but it seemed she wasn't.

Tomoyo... Tomoyo...

I hold onto her tighter as we cry together, burying our faces into each other's bodies in an embrace that we should always have been in, should always have been allowed to be in.

"T-T-Tomoya..." she chokes out, her hands fisting even more tightly on my coat. "D-D... Don't... D-Don't you ever... do this… ag-gain..."

"I won't, Tomoyo."

And I mean what I say. I let her go once, to pursue the life that she should be able to lead, but she wanted to come back to me instead. Tomoyo chose me, and if someone ever comes to me again trying to take her away from me, I'll make sure they regret it.

She's mine now. Just like how I'm hers.

I pull away just a little so I can kiss the top of her hair, letting my fingers comb through the soft, silver tresses as she continues to cry into my shoulder. Holding her tightly again, I whisper softly to her amid the tears streaming down my face. I tell her all the things I've wanted to say to her, the things I wanted to promise her before. This is my second chance. I threw it all away before, convinced I could never change who I was. But now...

Maybe it's hopeless. Maybe I'll never be able to change. Maybe I'll always be the delinquent loser that I was in high school, and maybe any gains I've made these last few months are as far as I'll ever get.

But I'll keep trying. I'll keep trying for her. She said that she'd go to me with everything she's got. I can, and will, do no less.

I'll go to you too, Tomoyo. I'll go to you with everything I've got. I'll do my best to make sure you're always smiling.

I lower my lips to the shell of her ear, and I whisper, in a voice so charged with emotion I can hardly recognize that it's my own, the sincerest words I have ever spoken.

"I love you, Tomoyo."

She's crying again. But this time, they are tears of happiness.

And I can feel her smile.

_

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_

I had long been wanting to write this scene, ever since I saw it in the anime, and I had hoped to capture the same impact on paper as it did in the anime. I'm overall happy with it, but of course there's room for improvement. This was also an experiment on my part to try out first person perspective, which I've always sucked at, since I make characters go OOC faster than an angry video game nerd can flip out after getting fragged. XD Oh, and also, this was also written since I feel that Tomoya x Tomoyo could afford to get some more love. XD They're my favorite Clannad pairing, and I feel this couple works the best in a purely romantic sense (_dodges incoming projectiles_).

I'm sure you're all well aware that the last few paragraphs did not happen in the scene. Well, I didn't want to end it the same way the anime did, especially since the whole train tracks thing is a lot easier to do in a visual sense than writing it down (at least, without looking like a complete tool). I end it on a sappy note, but... SO WHAT! D: I'm a sucker for happy (sappy?) endings!

Okay, enough of my ramblings. At any rate, thank you very much if you have made it to this point, and please leave a review. Flames will be put to work roasting my marshmallows, but constructive criticism would be most welcome.

Once again, thank you! ^_^


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